An introduction
(optional, skippable)
For the past month, when I woke up, all I wanted to do was write. I had a lake of words in my mind and each morning, I attempted to get the water out spoonfuls of letters at a time. I felt the pull of each idea wanting to become an essay and when I wrote, I felt as if someone else was speaking through me - something other than me.. a voice in my head dictating what my fingers typed on the keyboard.
Recently, however, the voice stopped. Waking up, I’m instead faced with an overwhelming sense of blankness. I have to reread the titles that once stoked my imagination again and again to feel that same hunger to create and explore. Today, upon reading this paragraph during in one of those early morning reading sessions, I propose the hypothesis that perhaps my writing demon might be mad at me.
“Listening as they do to an inner voice that speaks or falls silent as if by caprice, many writers from the beginning have personified the voice as a benign or evil spirit. For Hawthorne it was evil or at least frightening. “The Devil himself always seems to get into my inkstand”, he said in a letter to his publisher, “and I can only exorcise him by pensful at a time.” For Kipling the Daemon that lived in his pen was tyrannical but well-meaning. “When your Daemon is in charge”, he said, “do not try to think consciously. Drift, wait, and obey.” - Malcolm Cowley in his introduction (“How Writers Write”)
I have come to the conclusion that I, unfortunately, seem to have pissed my demon off (demon is such a sinister word, as a Christian it makes me uncomfortable to type it out now, so lets call it Eli instead, that’s a kind of cute name). See, I think Eli and I had a deal: In return for its reliable presence and cooperation, I would keep my head clear and offer it my sacred attention and focus every morning.
I’ve kept my end of the bargain! But recently, Eli seems to have abandoned me.. Or perhaps he has merely been lulled to sleep by the nootropics I have foolishly taken. I had quit nicotine for 2 and a half weeks (about the time I started this substack), but last Sunday, sick of the constant itch to go smoke, I went to the shop and picked up a vape pen with a flavor called strawberry watermelon ice, which more closely tastes like strawberry ice-cream in reality. It’s a great flavor. It’s terrible for focus and productivity. My vaping habit has always been something of a shame to me, something that I hid–– here I was, months into focusing on self-improvement, working out and meditating every morning, but by 11 am, I’d feel the nicotine itch and grab my vape bar, letting the momentary cloudiness fog my brain, lifting me up and sealing away the ends of my nerves in a sweet strawberry haze. Vaping makes repetitive admin work easier, but it also makes you constantly spacey, always feeling like you’re at the precipice of something more. It puts up a false front of energy and takes away your foundation of action through a steady feeling of mild exhaustion. This pissed off my writing demon. No longer was it frittering at the edge of my mind, begging me to touch a keyboard or pick up a pen. Instead it merely skipped lightly and wandered about my brain as I begged it to find something, anything, interesting. My dopamine receptors were fried, and the consequences were apparent. My hidden habit also fueled a dramatic loop of nagging and questioning myself within my mind: the people I looked up to would never willingly inhale these chemicals on the regular. What was I doing? Why was I doing it?
I’ve tried to rationalize vaping again and again (ex. “But so many successful people I know vape”, “vaping helps me focus and probably isn’t really that bad for you”) but the reality of what its effects were on me were subtly insidious.
A synthesis of the reasons why vaping was terrible for me:
Health effects:
I had a persistent dry mouth no matter how much water I drank
I had persistently low energy
I knew it was bad for my health. Logically, inhaling a bunch of synthetic sweeteners & chemicals and other stuff that is "food grade" but never tested or certified for safety in your lungs CANNOT be good for you.
I didn’t even really benefit from the buzz or ‘emotion regulation’.
"Nicotine passes through the system so quickly (30-60 minutes) it's functionally useless for regulating emotions unless you chain-vape constantly. In that case you're practically non-functional anyways because you can't chain-vape and do anything seriously productive at the same time.” - Posted by u/PrefersDigg
Work effects and personal reasons:
Vaping dampened my focus and made me more susceptible to searching for cheap dopamine
It wasn’t a habit that the person I wanted to be would do (I consequently subconsciously and consciously respected myself less)
Being addicted to any substance would hurt my credibility with serious people. Whether it's being a drunk, or smoker, or heroin addict, people were much less likely to trust me because I was doing something bad to my health as a result of a lack self-control.
Guys I admire (platonic good friends of mine), have told me that they hate girls who smoke. Fair enough.
So?
4 days ago, I realized that enough was enough and threw away my vape. I have tried to quit beforehand, but I never really believed that I would actually quit. Some lingering inkling of a feeling inside me knew that I’d come back to the fruity-sweet colorful pens that promised insta-happiness and elation. Now, it is different. I have rationalized and rationalized again but the cons far outweigh the pros and I really just don’t think it’s worth it now. I don't want to have to hide a stupid habit from people I respect anymore. I also think that my writing demon Eli threatening to leave me was the tipping point that pushed the bucket over.
Plan of Action: A conclusion
Here is my plan to stop vaping, and me synthesizing all the information I’ve found most helpful for how to effectively quit:
STEP 1: Reread my list of why I decided to quit vaping whenever I feel the urge to vape
STEP 2: Utilize Caffeine
I’ve seen many anecdotes of people saying that caffeine helped them cope with nicotine withdrawal.
I don’t drink caffeine at all but recently I have mixed it into my protein shakes in the morning. It has helped, and my energy levels are better.
STEP 3: Utilize Adaptogens
Studies have found that items like green tea and Ayurvedic herbs like Ashwagandha are known to set right the internal imbalances in the body triggered due to prolonged smoking
I have started to take Ashwaganda, a supplemental herb to assist with mood and energy levels. It smooths over my nerves and has had only positive effects so far.
STEP 4: Reduce social media and limit stress
Don’t put yourself in a position where you want to vape. Social media will stress you out so it’s better that you limit your use of it while undergoing this process.
I am on a social media detox once again, I have no access to my personal instagram account.
STEP 5: Prioritize my exercise and meditation routine
Physical activity actually IS the most reliable way I’ve found to crush a craving. It gives you the clarity and fresh mental feeling that you need. It’s like that vape buzz but healthier and cleaner. Seriously, exercise is the way to 80/20 quit vaping, Pareto’s law style.
Meditation helps a lot with addiction. Studies have proven this.
These are the tips I’ve found useful and easiest to implement for quitting vaping. I will give an update on how it feels and how it’s been going sometime later on. So far, 4 days in, I have had the feeling of wanting to vape again but they have been very bearable, and just slight nuisances. Rereading the list of why vaping is bad and consistent meditation are what I have found to have helped the most with these urges!
My writing daemon is young and petulant. Only very recently has it been given a voice and it rightfully rebelled when I so soon, took that voice away. Today, it decided to complain and write about itself as a cry for help. This is Day #4 off nicotine for the rest of my life. I do not vape anymore, and this time I really do mean it. So, momentarily, Eli and I have made peace. He promises to visit once again next morning.
I wrote a short intro! https://whackamia.substack.com/about
P.S. This vaping article…… I could edit a lot more and I feel like it would be better with an hour of more detailed work on it. But, I promised to post today regardless of quality so here it is, Day 1/30 of content creation. I think I might edit more tomorrow. Let’s see!
So relatable. I believe that nicotine was the main source/trigger of most anxiety for me.
But…
I still use it ONLY at times of celebration; vacations, parties. In other words roughly 2x a month 😄. I’ve been addicted before, huffing and puffing. But on a work day, if there’s a vape in front of me, I have zero urge to even touch it.
Great synthesis. Certainly relate to much of what you stated regarding side affects of vaping. It took my about 4 years to even realise it was a problem. I only got positive results from it because I literally chain vaped all day. The vape was my source of oxygen.
Hope you're managing well without the vape. Nicotine withdrawal is a bitch.